Screen Time

As a result of this long, cold NYC winter and my inability to adhere to pediatric laws banning all screen time for the under-2 set, Katherine and I have been dabbling in children's TV programming lately, and I have minimal regrets. She's breaking in her new armchair and I get to prepare her meals without her attached to my legs and screaming. She may end up at Hollywood Upstairs College instead of Yale because of this, but she may have ended up there anyway.

Since I was the youngest person in my family until Katherine arrived, I'm watching a lot of these children's shows for the very first time, save for Sesame Street, which looked a lot groovier and less Elmo-centric back in 1984.

If you haven't seen much current children's television programming, allow me to sum up what you're missing. And if you have seen it, well... 

Thomas & Friends: Trains with free will use good intentions to fuck everything up.

Dora the Explorer: High-pitched, repetitive Latina causes migraines and fights crime; just kidding, I have no idea what goes on on Dora.

Sofia the First: Naive white girl becomes princess and relentlessly attempts to impress her asshole princess step-sister and her bitch friends.

Peppa Pig: Entitled brat has adorable English accent, treats parents like jokes.

My Little Pony: Animators drop acid on the streets of Tokyo and see what happens next.

Sesame Street: Where do I begin? What's up with Bert and Ernie now being animated to look like claymation? Why not just do claymation? Why not just use the Bert and Ernie puppets? What's up with flying fairy school??? Is it time for Elmo's World yet?

Happy viewing!