CiB is super excited about this year’s Academy Awards telecast. We can’t wait to see the incredible Natalie Portman win for Best Actress over Annette Bening and her overrated performance that our cat could have phoned in after licking a spilled glass of wine off the floor. If Bening pulls out an upset, we are vowing to never watch the Oscars ever again, so think of all the extra free time we’ll have over the next 70 years! That’s 245 more hours of free time we wouldn’t have otherwise had!
We seriously can’t even understand how this is even a race. We have seen The Kids Are All Right twice now, and while it made us want to drop everything, leave Derrick and Philly in the dust and move to beautiful, local, organic California, it didn’t make us want to give Annette Bening an Oscar. Natalie Portman, on the other hand, was completely immersed in her role in Black Swan and had us believing she was truly succumbing to madness. And what a champ for masturbating so convincingly on screen!
Our other pick: Christian Bale for Best Supporting Actor in The Fighter. We have long thought that Bale was one of (if not the most) underrated actors in Hollywood. He first took our breath away prancing around 19th-century New York singing “Santa Fe” in Newsies back when we were just a tween, completely entranced by that film’s seemingly endless hot teenage newsboy offerings. Now, his brilliance is finally being recognized! The fact that he wasn’t recognized at all for American Psycho was just wrong.
We think Melissa Leo will probably win the Best Supporting Actress Oscar for The Fighter, but if we could have, we would have nominated all the women who played her daughters in the film. Their performances combined outshined Leo by multiple inches of skyscraping bangs, 800 pounds of untoned bodies, and about 24 sets of large plastic earrings.
Best Actor: Colin Firth. We haven't seen his film, thanks to the only movie theater in Philly within walking distance being a XXX theater, but he will win (let's think of some fun XXX titles for The King's Speech... possibilities may include the words fling, swing, thing, ding, string, wring, peach, beach, reach, and screech. Have at it!). We support this win, because we support King George, who begat Queen Elizabeth, who begat Prince Charles, who begat Prince William, with whom we have always had, and will always have, a deep and neverending interest in.
In other news, too bad there isn't an Oscar for best film poster(s). These are marvelous. We want!: