9.12.2013

How Not To Induce Labor

Everyone and her cat has a suggestion on how to induce natural labor.  Drink wine!  Eat Chinese food!  Draw a picture of a pony under a rainbow while hopping on one foot!

I'm here to save all of you future mothers of postmature-born babies a lot of frustration by telling you that absolutely every suggestion is total bullshit other than waiting it out naturally or getting the dreaded pitocin.  So just sit back, let that watermelon in you continue to grow more and more every day which will ultimately make it harder to get out, and accept your fate.

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METHOD
Walking

CONCLUSION
Bullshit

WHY IT DOES NOT WORK
For real?  Walking?  Listen.  I am a New Yorker now and walk an average of 5 miles a day, still with more speed and vigor at 41 weeks pregnant than the average American.  If this were going to induce labor, it would have done it by now.  It's like Sandy H. says: if you do something enough times for enough days in a row, something is bound to "work" eventually.  Walking is kind of unavoidable for most people and you have to do it every day at least a little bit.  "I walked from the couch to the fridge and my water broke!  Must have been all that walking!"  By this math, what other mundane daily activities will send us into labor?  Like "Hey, I sure did a lot of blinking the day I went into labor!  I'm absolutely sure all of that blinking is what sent me into labor!"  At this point I am just going for walks because I have nothing else to do.

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METHOD
Membrane Sweeping/Stripping

CONCLUSION
Bullshit

WHY IT DOES NOT WORK
Because I am still pregnant, that's why.  I had heard of this procedure before but had no idea how painful it was.  For those of you who have not had the pleasure, imagine having a barbaric nightmare featuring Freddy Krueger sticking his claw in your lady parts and scraping at them for what feels like hours, and you think he's done but he just sweeps again, and again, and again, and again, and when his claw finally comes out of you it looks like he's stuck it in a vat of raw, bloody hamburger meat.  {Sorry.}  Except it isn't a nightmare, it's your really-happening-in-real-life life, and it's going to happen every third day, whether you asked for it or not, until they finally just medically induce you, already.  Anyway, bullshit, doesn't work.

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METHOD
Eating spicy food

CONCLUSION
Bullshit

WHY IT DOES NOT WORK
The proof is still in my abdomen.  I have eaten every tamale and Indian delicacy, every General Tso's morsel doused in Sriracha and nope, nope, and nope.  Still pregnant.

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METHOD
Sex

CONCLUSION
Bullshit

WHY IT DOES NOT WORK
If having sex actually induced labor, wouldn't they tell you to steer clear of it completely until you were full-term to avoid going into premature labor?  Just sayin'.  Also: nope, bullshit.

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METHOD
Drinking wine

CONCLUSION
Unknown

WHY I AM PRETTY SURE IT WOULDN'T WORK ANYWAY
Supposedly this relaxes you into labor.  Which is it, everyone?  Are you supposed to over-exert yourself into labor or relax yourself into labor?  Because you cannot do both!  Bullshit!  I actually still sleep like a baby so if that doesn't do it then this definitely won't.  I'm not going to find out because I refuse to drink any.  I haven't had any alcohol since 2012 (New Year's Eve, was probably 5-6 weeks pregnant at the time, sorry future baby's SAT scores!) and if I've made it this far, I plan to go all the way.  Everyone says I can have a glass, but I don't want a glass - I want the whole bottle.  In fact, some people use focal devices during childbirth, like a favorite photo or keepsake, or a picture of the sonogram so you can see your end goal.  I want Derrick to hold up a magnum bottle of chilled Sauvignon Blanc as my focal point.

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METHOD
Drinking castor oil

CONCLUSION
Bullshit

WHY IT DOES NOT WORK
Come on now, I think someone just made this up as a cruel, weird joke.

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METHOD
Massage, pedicures, reflexology

CONCLUSION
Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit

WHY THEY DO NOT WORK
Although I had a relaxing morning with Sandy H. getting massaged and pedicured yesterday, I continue to carry this child cramp-free.  Mom even did 5 whole minutes of internet research to learn about labor-inducing reflexology and executed her learnings on my hands, ears, and feet.  It was funny, but nope, bullshit.

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METHOD
Acupuncture

CONCLUSION
Unknown

WHY I DO NOT KNOW IF IT WORKS OR NOT
Sandy H. won't let me do it because she doesn't want me to come across any infected needles.  She says we should go to church instead.

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METHOD
Getting on your hands and knees and cleaning your entire apartment

CONCLUSION
Unknown

WHY I DO NOT KNOW IF IT WORKS OR NOT
Because I hired a housekeeper a while back and I am really happy with her work.

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METHOD
Eating pineapple

CONCLUSION
Bullshit

WHY IT DOES NOT WORK
I'm not sure how many times you want to read that I'm still pregnant but yes, I'm still pregnant and have eaten pineapple by the crate for the last few weeks - and even double-downed with the spicy foods method with spicy pork tacos topped with pineapple salsa - so I call extreme double bullshit.

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So there you have it.  What bullshit labor induction methods do you suggest?  And how in God's name can you prove that's what actually sent you or someone you know into labor?  You're a liar.  Unless you suggest lounging on the couch, watching 12 straight hours of TV, then we'll talk.

4 comments:

  1. there is a place in atlanta that claims that eggplant parmesan will do the trick. i am pretty sure their menu even names the babies that were induced because of it. :) who knows if it will work or not, but at least you will get some cheesy baked goodness!

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  2. I am so glad I read this. I love how you just tell the truth. I think thoughts things worked for other people once and its just a flouck. Well I hope somthing helps that baby come. Just say today is the day I am not going to be pregent anymore. Lol good lucky.

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  3. What usually works best on TV is if you can get yourself stuck in an elevator or subway car or better yet, an airplane. Find the most inconvenient place to give birth (the DMV?) and it's way more likely to happen.

    Love,
    a

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  4. Hi Leigh Ann! Great post! I have a question about your blog! I'm Heather and please email me at Lifesabanquet1(at)gmail(dot)com :-)

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