The Human Trapezoid

When I was being measured for my bridesmaid dress for Anna's wedding, my bust measurements equaled a size 2, but my hips?  A 10!  I am basically trapezoid-shaped.  I have never been and will never be a size 2 pending any major chronic gastrointestinal diseases and operative surgery for pelvic bone-shaving.

Another great way to lose weight and squeeze into those smaller sizes is to contract some sort of horrible infection.  I lost 5 pounds last week when I had pink eye.  Who knew a week of a weakened immune system was basically like taking 10 zumba classes?

Since I'm all better, I decided I had better get back to the gym this week; otherwise I will need to ingest a tapeworm to keep this up.  On Monday, within 30 seconds of being on the elliptical, I was pretty sure my heart was going to explode.  I decided 20 minutes of exercise was enough for this week. 

I'm going to be so good next week.  Two-a-days!  5 am wake-up calls!  This is basically what I'm going to look like after a couple of weeks of working out again and it's going to be so awesome:

There are really people at my gym who look like this.

Cats in Beds

CiB = Cats in Beds.

Check out Oliver D.-B. lounging around like he wasn't recently discovered lost, lonely and starving in a parking lot.  How quickly they forget!  Coincidence that his initials could also stand for douchebag?
 

New Roommate

As I was lounging on the couch this evening absorbing last week's episode of Teen Mom, praying that Tyler and Catelynn can work through their problems, praying that Gary and Amber can't work through their problems, and otherwise awaiting the arrival of my prince from his weekend of team bonding with his b-school cohorts, I spied with my little eye something moving across the floor.  It's not unusual for me to have strange and often non-existent visions after a weekend of crushing bottles of wine with Anna, but this wasn't just your average Are-Those-Fried-Pickles-Real-Or-Not kind of vision.  No, this was definitely a mouse, no doubt about it.  It basically looked just like this, except not a possum:

Image Courtesy

I immediately reverted to 3rd-grade Leigh Ann when my sister and I would be inspired by Pippi Longstocking and play Don't Touch The Floor for hours like 10 minutes at a time.  I leapt up onto my couch to try to get an overhead view of where it headed but it disappeared like a ghost.  Oh, how I wished Derrick were here to save me!  I used to be so independent, destroying giant spiders that infiltrated my home, giving an icy glare to any potential rapists as I walked to my car alone at night with my keys spiked between my fingers to use as a potential weapon if necessary, even going to the bathroom by myself at a restaurant free of female companionship.

Oh, well.  Prepare to be evicted, beyotch.  My hero just walked through the door.

This week I have done a fabulous job of retaining the two pounds I gained last week, which was the first week of the alcohol bender cleverly disguised as business school pre-term.  That can mean only one thing: last week, I consumed 7,000 unnecessary calories.  That is equivalent to eating all the food you would normally eat, plus a Krispy Kreme bacon cheeseburger a day:

Monday

Tuesday

Wednesday

Thursday

Friday

Saturday

Sunday

I suppose I went a little overboard on several occasions out of sheer excitement for these "networking" opportunities.  I love meeting new people and let's be realistic about my arithmetical tendencies:

Math in 1st grade looks like this:

1 drink = 1 glass of milk.

Math in my house looks like this:

1 drink = 3 glasses of wine.

I probably won't pull myself together in time to try on bridesmaids' dresses this weekend for Anna's wedding, but maybe I'll manage to lose these two pounds prior to her wedding circa May 2011.