Bristol Palin, Maybe You'll Get Lucky and Your In-Flight Movie Will Be "Snow Dogs."

Sandy H. has decided that to celebrate the anniversary of the day she gave birth to the greatest person in the world, she is taking a cruise through Portugal, Morocco, the Canary Islands, and across the Atlantic to the Bahamas, so this will be her last DWTS recap for a while.  I'm going to sacrifice watching Gossip Girl for the next two weeks so I can try my hand at not just writing a recap but actually sitting through an entire episode of DWTS, which I have not yet accomplished in my 29 years.

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Sandy H. writes: Happy Birthday, Bugs!  Guess what!  You're 8 years and 364 days older than Bristol Palin.

I miss the old Dancing with the Stars:  The crying, the fights, the divas.  The producers must miss it too so they’re getting a little desperate.  Last night Jennifer walked out on Derek during rehearsal to … take a walk.  She took her purse!  Will she ever come back?  Yes, she did!  That was pretty much it.  And we must have seen at least three or four promos of this excitement. 

During the first-ever TV Theme Week on DWTS our stars in Week 5 seem to be either too nervous or too tired or just too bored to show the passion and emotion that makes us want to watch them.  Brandy and Maks’s quick step earned their highest score of the season – a 27.  Dancing to the theme from Friends, they want us to know they really really like each other so much in spite of their earlier difficulties.  (I enjoyed the difficulties! And I’m not buying this friendship thing one bit).  Florence and Corky danced to –you’ll never guess this one – the theme from The Brady Bunch. Even though their tango earned only 21 from the judges, it was their highest score of the season.

One reason we watch DWTS is to see the progression the stars make from non-dancers to ballroom swans.  We think that just maybe we could dance too.  Of course, with weeks of professional training, not to mention the help of Hollywood stylists and makeup people, maybe we could.  (Also, the fear of public humiliation in front of 20 million people would be incentive enough for me).  Favorite question from Bill H. during past DWTS:  “Which one’s the pro?”  This year he’s not asking that so much.  In Week 1 Jennifer and Brandy and Audrina were really good.  They’re still really good, and most of the rest have just sort of plateau-ed.  So 4*s this week to Kurt who finally jumped off the plateau with his adorable foxtrot to the theme from Bewitched.   The judges praised his “easy casual” musicality that reminded them of Gene Kelly.  Bruno said he was “brilliant.”  The dance was good enough for Len to stop talking about Kurt’s huge “ham hands.”  Apparently, that’s a good quality in a football player, not so much in a ballroom dancer.  Kurt earned his highest score of the season, a 24, as did Rick, who hauled out Kobe Bryant and Coach Phil Jackson to tell partner Cheryl what a Hard Worker and Perfectionist Rick is.  Although Len said his rumba was “not a romance, more of the couple staying together for the children,” he still gave Rick an 8. Way too high as far as I’m concerned.

Jennifer and Audrina danced well last night, but, given their excellent past performances, they underwhelmed.  The judges gave Audrina a 23 for her rumba to – here’s another shocker – the theme from The Hills.  Did someone hear that song and think what an amazing rumba it would make?  Really?  And Bruno wanted Audrina to be “pulsating with passion” during her rumba.  I mean, Audrina is sweet and beautiful, but I just cannot imagine her rumba-ing with pulsating passion.  Still, what do I know?  I’ve never met the girl.  Jennifer did a more than competent foxtrot, earning her a 25, the second highest score of the evening.  Compared to her fabulous tango from last week, the judges seemed disappointed, as were we.  That’s too bad because if almost anyone else had done the same dance, we would have been thrilled.  That’s what you get for being fabulous.  You spoil us.

 

At the bottom this week were Kyle and Bristol.  Kyle and his partner did a sort of disco foxtrot to the Charlie’s Angels theme that’s just hard to explain.  It was the old John Travolta disco-arms-over-the-head thing but with foxtrotting feet.  To answer your question, yes, it was as weird as it sounds.  Len said, “It started bad and it gradually got worse and worse.”  He awarded our boy a 5, but the other judges were kinder and Kyle ended up with a total of 20.  As far as Bristol goes, we’re all still trying to get that girl to show more personality.  Her partner Mark really did all that he could do, bringing in clowns to teach her to do big smiles and big sad faces.  The pair donned monkey suits to jive to the theme from The Monkees.  Unfortunately, a personality still didn’t emerge, and it didn’t help that she forgot a lot of the routine. Her 18 was the lowest score of the evening.  I think Bristol may be headed back to Alaska, and, big sad face here L, yesterday was her birthday. 

Next week we have “Rock and Roll” Week to look forward to, the first week the dancers will perform two dances each. That will surely separate, as Judge Len says, the “dancers from the chancers,” whoever they are.  



Pack your bags, Bristol.