This Is Payback For All Those College Application Essays Mom Wrote For Me

Ladies and gentlemen, I present my attempt at taking over Sandy H.'s Dancing With The Stars Recap while she is lounging around on a cruise ship, pounding pinot grigio.  I had never seen the show before, and I could only watch the first hour because Gossip Girl is basically my religion.  And before you start harping on the amazing technology of 2010, listen: CiB doesn't pay well enough to afford DVR.

So.... how are we going to stretch this shizz into two whole hours with only 7 dancers dancing for about a minute?  I know.  Let's show the Top 10 DWTS performances of all time, as voted by our viewers! 

#10: Shawn Johnson.  I keep thinking about that stalker she had.  Scary!  #9: Donny Osmond.  I keep thinking about how he's a Mormon.

I'm falling asleep.  It's a good thing tonight is no-wine Monday, otherwise I'd already be halfway through one R.E.M. cycle and it's only 8:05. 

I don't know the celeb at #8, but he's dancing with the Proactiv girl who's dating Ryan Seacrest.

Apolo Ohno is at #7 dancing with Proactiv girl.  I can't believe Apolo was on DWTS.  It's 8:10 p.m. Only 50 minutes until Gossip Girl.

#6 is Joanna Krupa (whoever that is) and the brother of Proactiv girl who's also dating the stunning and talented Cheryl Tweedy.


#4: Nicole Scherzinger, during that period when Dancing With The Stars became Dancing With The Dancers.

And a commercial break.  8:20 p.m.  20 minutes of my life gone.  20 minutes closer to death than I was 20 minutes ago.

#3: Apolo again!  The ladies loves them some Apolo.

#2: Gilles Marini.  Wasn't he the dude who gave frontal in Sex and the City: The Movie?  Nudity could make this tango a little more exciting.

#1: Drew Lachey.  The #1 dance as voted by viewers out of 1,000 dances involves a solid 5 seconds of piggyback riding a dude to the tune of "Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy."  Brillz.

30 minutes until Gossip Girl.

Audrina's partner is the first person ever to accuse her of "thinking too much."  I am distracted by Audrina's implants.  Her too-tight tank forces them up under her armpits.  Very unsettling.

Audrina looks gorge.  Inspiring me to hit the gym in the a.m.  Or not.

Kyle and Lacey are dancing to Adam Lambert.  You have 7 rock songs to choose and you first chose Queen, and follow it up with Glambert?  I question a lot of ABC's choices, and if you've ever seen so much as a single commercial for Wipeout, you would too.

It's 9 p.m.  Time to give up on this and go catch up on the avant-garde artistic stylings of the greatest show of our time.

Blair, pie, and minions.

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