10.21.2010

Pennsylvania Mania

At a lunch time outing with some office mates the other day, the conversation that started off gabbing about other office mates took a decidedly more interesting turn: crazy sex laws.  I don't know how we got here, but we did.  Maybe because I was talking about how Derrick is thinking about bringing another wife into our marriage to spice things up.

We decided to do a little research on the illegal things we do without realizing it, and focused our search on the state in which we currently live.

In Pennsylvania, it is illegal to sleep on top of a refrigerator outdoors.  It's illegal to sing in a bathtub.  It's illegal to sweep dust and dirt under a rug.

Derrick's and my marriage would not be considered legal if it had been performed in Pennsylvania because neither the bride nor groom can be drunk during the ceremony and it's illegal to shoot off a cannon at a wedding.  That, and we both passed out on top of our outdoor fridge after the consummation.

During our research I did see a stupid law that I already knew about from many years of touring hundreds of college campuses with Sandy H.: that it is outlawed for more than 16 women to reside in a house together because it constitutes a brothel.  This is a favorite wake-up tactic employed by tour guides across the state when discussing sorority life and Greek housing.  You can always count on someone's obnoxious dad to make an obnoxious joke comparing sorority women to prostitutes.  Then that dad's child would be all like, "Ughhhhh, DAD!  GOD, you're SO ANNOYING!  Ughhhh!"

Then the tour guide will follow the rest of her formulaic plan and talk about how even though it's a large school, the classes are small and you can get to know your professors really well!  Last night she went over to her professor's house for pizza with one of her classes and she's going to be babysitting for another professor this weekend.  Why is it that every tour guide dines on pizza with and babysits for her professors?  We didn't know a single person at any of the colleges we attended who did this. 

Anyway, back to the brothel law.  This is a stupid law because I'm pretty sure an effective brothel could be achieved with just 15 women.  Pretty sure the Maison Derriere in Springfield managed it ...



"We Put The Spring In Springfield" Lyrics

You could close down Moe's or the Kwik-E-Mart
and nobody would care
But the heart and soul of Springfield is
our Maison Derriere!


We're the sauce on your steak
We're the cheese in your cake
We put the spring in Springfield!


We're the lace on the night gown
The point after touchdown
Yes, we put the spring in Springfield!


We're that little extra spice
That makes existence extra nice
A giddy little thrill at a reasonable price!


Our only major quarrel's
With your total lack of morals
Our skimpy costumes ain't so bad
They seem to entertain your dad!


The gin in your martini
The clams on your linguini
We keep the *boing* in Springfield!
We remember our first visit
The service was exquisite!


Why Joseph, I had no idea!
Come on now, you were working here.


Without it we'd have had no fun
Since March of 1961.
To shut them down now would be twisted.
We just heard this place existed!


We're the highlights in your hairdo
The extra arms on Vishnu.


So don't take the *boing*, we won't take the *slide whistle*,
Yes, let's keep the *crash* in Springfield!

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