Guest Blogger Sandy H. does Dancing With The Stars Week 1: "It's Never Too Early To Panic"

So said DWTS judge Len Goodman in describing David Hasselhoff’s underwhelming waltz.  I love that!  It may be my new mantra.  And actually it’s pretty good advice for David who wasn’t what you could describe as even remotely good.  So Dancing with the Stars is off to another fabulous season.  I’m hooked and I don’t miss Kate Gosselin!  If you missed the show in favor of truly mindless entertainment instead of this programming masterpiece - I'm looking at you Gossip Girl and MNF fans - you missed some real Moments. 

Jennifer Grey and Brandy are clearly the early frontrunners.  Jennifer produced the first tears of the season when she danced to a song from Dirty Dancing and talked about Patrick Swayze. I’m going to go out on a limb here and make a prediction: Jennifer and Brandy in the Finals. (And, if they don’t make it, I will cleverly “forget” this prediction).  Watch the show just to see Jennifer dance.  She says she wants to recapture the feeling she used to have when she danced years ago and I think she can do it.

But there are a couple of dark horses in the race especially Kyle Massey.  Who is he? He’s likeable and cute. Why didn’t my children ever tell me to watch his show?  (Sandy H.'s children interject: umm, we have no idea who he is either).  NBA player and Tar Heel Rick Fox is a big happy man with a big happy smile, but the 16” height difference with his partner is disconcerting. Let’s hope there’s a lot of jitterbugging this season and not so much close-contact waltz stuff.

Not so hot were Margaret Cho whose crazy clowning waltz made me (and the judges) wonder if she had really fallen or was just goofing around.  She’ll be gone soon.  And The Situation Sorrentino was simply awful but claimed to only have had 5 days to practice.  Didn't they all have 5 days to practice?  Those two, along with David Hasselhoff, had the lowest scores of the night.

Somewhere in the middle were:

Bristol Palin: Loosen up, Girl.  You're not that bad!

Audrina Patridge: Pretty girl, maybe another dark horse, but does Middle America know her to vote for her?

Kurt Warner: Nice man, has a long way to go.

Michael Bolton: A VERY long way to go.

Florence Henderson: Love her!  Showed her bra and abs for The Situation AND likes to swear a lot in rehearsal!

And, finally, we have decided to award the coveted Cats in Baths *stars* this week not for dancing - because we have ages to do that - but for something much more important:

Plastic Surgery

**** (4) to Florence Henderson, who’s 76 and looks 56.

**** (4) to Jennifer Grey, who’s 50 and looks 30. Okay, I miss The Nose too, but, c’mon, she’s gorgeous.

**** (4) to Michael Bolton who’s 57 and looks 40.

*** (3) to The Hoff. The face work looked a little tight a couple of years ago, but has settled down nicely.

Congratulations, All!  Nice "work."  Ha.

The Hoff before and after.

The Nose before and after.