My First ER Visit: A New Children's Book by Leigh Ann Preston

In nearly 29 years on this earth, I finally paid my first visit to the ER today!  It wasn't anything like I expected; no heart-pounding action, no inter-office bedroom drama, no one rolling in with a gunshot wound - although it is west Philly, so I guess if you hang around long enough you'll see that last one.

No, in fact, it was a lot more like a visit to the DMV, except instead of the scary weird people sitting around waiting to get a license, all the scary weird people were sitting around waiting for pain killers, or so was the assessment of my friend Aimee, who was kind enough to escort me after I bribed her with magazines.

I'll spare you most of this morning's journey, but will say I woke up with my eye swollen shut and delightfully oozing, and what with not having a primary doctor yet, no one in Philly would see me today except my automatically-assigned doctor, who, based on the creepy recorded voice who answered his phone, is in fact Bill Cosby dressed as a clown and was recently released from the psyche ward.  After unsuccessfully begging student health to take me and subsequently being referred to an eyeglass store down the street (really?), the ER became the last resort.

The ER nurse practitioner was nice, but very dramatic!  About!  Everything!  And couldn't stop telling me how disgusting I was!  My eye was just so disgusting!  I couldn't help but be a little offended, having recently witnessed a 300-lb. gentleman in the waiting room demonstrate how to turn his esophagus inside out while making the most terrifying retching noises imaginable.  Was I really more disgusting than him?  It's just a little pink eye, found on every playground in America.  Maybe this was Nurse Drama's first day in the ER?

She also thought it was very "cute" that I decided to put make-up on my one good eye, but it really made me "look weird."  What did she know?  I looked awesome.

Actually, I'll take the retching guy over watching this terrible show.